Get ready, prospective billionaire in Bitcoin

Cryptocurrency is the magical internet money that your cousin Chad says will “change the game forever” while he begs you for $5 on Venmo for Taco Bell.

If you’ve ever been brave enough to ask, “Is crypto bad?” Good job on Reddit. You just set loose a digital swarm of basement philosophers, Twitter rug-pull kings, and that one guy who “totally called it back in 2014.”

Spoiler: It always ends with chaos, yelling, and someone saying Elon Musk over and over again like he’s Moses.

But you wanted to know what really happened. Let’s talk about why Reddit thinks bitcoin is more about “congrats, you just lost half your savings in the time it takes Starbucks to spell your name wrong” than “financial freedom.”

“Decentralized My Ass”—The Freedom That Isn’t Free

Let’s start with the sales pitch. “It’s not centralized!” is what crypto guys love to proclaim. No one is in charge of it! What a wonderful dream!

But in real life, do you know who manages it? There are some guys with Discord servers, a lot of followers, and anime profile images who are doing pump-and-dump schemes.

People on Reddit aren’t stupid. They’ll be the first to throw shade in threads with the topic “Is Bitcoin safe?” and 8,000 comments that are all about roasting.

What is the primary point? If you mean “free” as in “not having logic, protection, or any sense of predictability,” then crypto is “free.”

You buy a house, but instead of getting a mortgage, you just pray to the moon emoji and hope that @DogeMaster69 doesn’t trash your investments overnight.

Putting your life savings into a meme coin that was made as a joke is the finest approach to show that you are stable.

Volatility: Financial BDSM You Didn’t Ask For

This is sometimes called financial BDSM that you didn’t ask for. What do you think is interesting? Watching your “investment” drop 40% before you finish your iced oat milk latte.

Crypto is renowned for being incredibly unstable, just like that one friend who says they’ll “only have two drinks” and then ends up on TikTok doing karaoke with strangers.

This is how it works:

• You’ll be able to brag that you bought a Tesla with your Bitcoin one day.
• The next day, you search for “Can I pay my rent with Dogecoin?”

Reddit? It just stands there and hands out popcorn like it’s free fun.

People who like crypto call this “the game.” Reddit calls it what it is: gambling for adults with worse odds than in Las Vegas.

You can receive free drinks in Vegas while you lose everything.

Don’t worry, though; it’ll come back! Just like your ex said they would. Yes. Of course.

Scams Everywhere, and You Don’t Have a Brain Cell to Spare

The frauds will kill you if the volatility doesn’t. A lot of people on Reddit are saying, “I thought this was the next Bitcoin.”

What are coin releases? Rug pulls are going to happen.

People who have an effect? People with Supreme hoodies are running Ponzi schemes.

What do people who like crypto do? Acting like “community” implies you can trust people.

Five kids on Discord who yell “HODL” when you’re not looking and then cash out are your “community.”

Reddit has written on a lot of various types of scams:

• Pump-and-Dump Parties (Spoiler: you’re the dump.)
• Crypto “Gurus” charge $600 for advice that is worse than what your grandma does when she scratches off a ticket.
• The FTX chapter is about how the exchange went out of business. Seeing billionaires cry is the best thing ever.

Reddit isn’t simply unsure. Reddit is like the IRS for crypto frauds since it keeps track of every insane “get rich quick” plan and leaves scathing comments.

The Energy of the Cult That No One Wanted

If you’ve ever been to r/cryptocurrency, you know what it’s like: it’s a mix of a Reddit post, a multi-level marketing convention, and a doomsday cult.

People who follow use phrases like “mass adoption” and “we’re early” the same way your yoga teacher tells you to “trust the process.”

But really, if you have any doubts? Boom! You are either a “normie sheeple” or a “FUD spreader.”

It’s as hard to understand why drinking energy drinks at 3 a.m. is “healthy” as it is to do mental gymnastics.

The funny thing is? It’s strange for a group that is focused with decentralization but these communities act more centralized than your boss on a power trip during Zoom calls.

A lot of people on Reddit are saying things like “bro, this isn’t it.”

And really, what could be more cult-like than saying “HODL” while your digital wallet turns into Monopoly money?

Bad for the Environment Covered in Digital Glitter

People on Reddit also love to shout about how great the environment is. Mining cryptocurrency takes a lot of energy, enough to power whole countries.

We’re still fighting over paper straws like environmentalists, though.

You might tell your grandkids, “Sorry about the weather, but Grandpa had to mine Ethereum so Steve from Reddit could buy a pixelated monkey JPEG.”

It’s like never turning off your lights… But the blockchain is safe, right? (Using up electricity to trade false coins is the finest way to show that you care about the environment.)

To Sum Up, You Made It Through This Roast

So, no, Bitcoin is not the “money of the future.” Reddit says it’s the future of memes, emotional suffering, and empty bank accounts.

Sorry, but if you came here to be convinced differently…

You can still YOLO your paycheck into internet money if you want to.

One thing I ask of you is to write about it on Reddit. At least give the rest of us a reason to laugh.