Stop Scrolling Quickly; We’re Talking About Sloths
Picture a life where all you have to do is hang upside down, move slower than your Wi-Fi on public transportation, and look completely calm while doing it. That’s how sloths live. Nature’s “Do Not Disturb” sign, but without the corporate Slack messages.
When someone presented the idea of “SIP with sloths,” which is like a yoga retreat and an existential crisis fueled by wine, I thought, “Great, another wellness trend trying to save my broken millennial soul.”
But you know what? For some reason I can’t fully understand, it makes sense. We didn’t know we needed sloths as emotional support animals. And sipping? Well, we already do well with that part—coffee, cocktails, kombucha, or any other trendy, expensive drink. Put them together, and “mindful laziness” suddenly seems like a brand for a way of life.
The Longest Happy Hour You’ll Ever Go To
Welcome to the world of drinking at a sloth-level speed, which means, “Yes, I will take an hour to finish this iced latte because I’m channeling the jungle gods of chill.”
- Want to drink? That’s too bad. This is sip or go home.
- Want to do more than one thing at once? Not now, robot capitalist.
- Want to put it on Instagram? Of course, but the sloth will still be in the same place when you post it.
It’s like happy hour, but in slow motion, which is great since that’s how much energy you have after working from home all day and pretending to care about a Zoom session called “Q3 Alignment Vision Check-In.” (Raise your hand if you also want to align directly into a sloth slumber.)
Honestly, the only thing that moves slower than a sloth is a Starbucks barista on Monday morning when you’re late for work and they’re busy writing “Greggy” instead of Greg on your cup.
Sloths: The Original Coaches Against Hustle
Let’s be honest. Every “motivational guru” on TikTok is telling you to get up at 4 a.m., work hard, meditate, write in a notebook, do Pilates, sell NFTs, and yet be a normal adult. In the meantime, sloths are giving us the finger (in slow motion).
Sloths are effectively saying:
- “Why walk when gravity can do the hard work?”
- “Why work hard when you can sleep?”
- “Why worry about the algorithm when trees don’t care how much you interact with them?”
They are the most famous symbols of anti-capitalism. Forget about Gary Vee. I want Gary the tree sloth to teach me how to not care while hanging upside down like it’s Burning Man without the Wi-Fi.
And if you’re wondering, “Wouldn’t drinking with sloths get boring?” … TikTok has already messed up your attention span, honey. Last night at 2 a.m., you actually viewed 34 videos of raccoons cleaning cotton candy. Don’t act like you’re too good for sloth SIP treatment.
The Drinks Matter, but Not Much
Let’s not get it wrong: the ambiance is more important than what you sip. You may be drinking a $7 boutique cold brew, a Red Bull from a bodega, or a miserable boxed wine from Target.
Sloths won’t criticize you. They have bigger things to worry about, like “oops, I blinked and a century went by.”
But since no U.S. wellness movement is complete without a well-chosen drink list, here is what we would suggest:
- Morning SIP: Coffee, of course. You need caffeine to stay awake, but sloths don’t.
- Workday SIP: An energy drink that will help you get through the “quick sync” meeting that seems to go on forever.
- Vacation SIP: Margaritas are the drink of choice. Preferably while lying very, very still.
- Crisis at the quarter-life SIP: Cheap whiskey that you chugged slowly and humorously because “lol what’s retirement anyway?”
The rule is rather simple: choose your poison, sip it like it’s your first, and don’t move for hours to fit the sloth’s attitude. (Goes well with doomscrolling, I promise.)
How to Actually Do It (Because Someone Will)
Okay, so you’re strangely sure. Good. You won’t find this on ClassPass yet, so here’s your unofficial beginning pack for “SIP with sloths”:
- Get a couch. This is your jungle. Don’t go.
- Choose your SIP. If it’s in a funny, huge novelty mug, extra points.
- Take your time. Like, really slowly. Act like you’re buffering.
- Look into space. Deeply. I wonder if Jeff Bezos ever just stopped moving like a sloth.
- Put up an Instagram Story with the hashtag #SlothSipping since trends don’t matter unless we show them off online.
That’s all there is to it. No fees for membership, no expensive leggings, and no app. Just good times, drinks, and staring contests with nothing.
This is the first wellness fad in years that doesn’t want to trick you into a pyramid scam. (But not yet. In a month, some influencer will sell you a $89 SIP Kit with bamboo straws, that’s for sure.)
Well Done, You Are Basically a Sloth Now
Congratulations! If you’ve read this far, you’ve wasted the same amount of time as a sloth takes to determine whether or not to scratch its head.
You surely already know that sloths are the real role models for our generation. Not rich people. Not people who have a lot of followers. Not that person who always encouraging you to “network harder.”
They’re showing us how to be still without saying sorry. And to be honest? In a world preoccupied with hustle culture, maybe that’s the kind of revolt we need.
Last Sip
Well, look at you getting all the way here. You either really liked this or you’re putting off something crucial (like taxes or work emails).
No matter what, here’s what you should take away: be a sloth, SIP slowly, and maybe live a little less chaotically. Or don’t. I don’t really care; I’m not your life coach.
Now go and relax. If your supervisor asks, just tell them you’re working on your strategic slowness. Sounds like a business enough to pass.
