The Coffee-Spilled Intro That Makes You Think About Your Life

Yes, the age-old dilemma of being an adult. Do you become into Warren Buffett 2.0 by putting your money in the stock market and hope that Elon Musk will say something nice about you on Twitter? Or do you pay off your mortgage early like a grown-up who probably also makes kale salads on Sundays?

You still don’t have enough money to accidentally go over your limit on Uber Eats for tacos at 11 p.m., no matter what. People who are good with money assume it’s just numbers. How about math? I cried the whole time I was in high school math class.

Now let’s talk about this vast range of stress, lattes, and bad choices.

The Stock Market, or a Casino with Graphs

The stock market. Doesn’t it sound good? Like guys in nice suits talking about numbers that don’t make sense to you. But for us, it’s mostly about looking at Robinhood every seven minutes.

Pretending to “buy the dip” when your dip keeps going down like a drunk limbo dancer. You tell your mom what an ETF is while you look up “what is an ETF?”

In the past, the stock market has always gone higher. Hooray for marketplaces that are free! That’s why your friend Chad, who acquired Tesla shares in 2019, now gives you free financial advise that is louder than a CrossFit guy having breakfast.

But it’s the same way you lost $400 in two hours last year when you “trusted the dip.”

When you’re in your 20s, the stock market is a lot like dating. It’s crazy and hard to guess. At times, it makes you feel amazing, and at other times, it makes you eat ramen on the floor.

The Boring Way to Get Rich Is to Pay Off Your Mortgage

You pay off your mortgage early. Wow. You are free as a bird. The house is yours. No more monthly payments that make you feel guilty. Doesn’t that sound nice? No.

People on TikTok are bragging about how they “turned $3,000 into $40,000 overnight with crypto,” but you can say, “This month I saved $15 in loan interest.” That’s extremely cool.

Benefits of paying off the mortgage relatively early:

• No money owed. It’s nice to be free.
• At a family BBQ, you might proudly say, “I own my home free and clear.”
• Bankers stop sending you letters that say, “Pay us or else.”
• Your friends are chatting about stocks, but you’re talking about how much better your insulation is.
• You lose liquidity, which means that your money is stuck in bricks and drywall.
• You really do get married to your home. You are currently in a relationship with a 30-year-old pile of wood that is just for you.

Financial Experts Will Try to Make Things Hard to Understand

Here’s something interesting: no one truly knows what the right thing to do is. Dave Ramsey says to shout “DEBT IS EVIL!” into the void, but every TikTok finance bro in a Patagonia vest says to use leverage and let the stock market do its thing.

Watch out; they both want you to buy their books.

“Don’t worry that it just dropped 20% yesterday; it goes up 10% every year.” It’s like the Hunger Games, but with money.

Team Mortgage Killer:
“Sharon, if you pay off your debts, you’ll sleep like a baby.” Yes, a baby lives in a boring ranch house in the suburbs and doesn’t have any pals.

At this stage, financial advice is like a horoscope with numbers in it. People are just making things up and hoping you like them.

So, what do people like you and me do?

Let’s be honest: you’re not paying off your mortgage early because you don’t know where the additional money goes. Answer: Starbucks and Amazon orders you don’t recall making late at night.

People that usually botch things up:

• They put some money into the stock market and say they are “investors.”
• Paying an extra $100 on the mortgage every now and again will make you feel like a grownup.
• You still stress-scroll Zillow at 2 a.m. because property taxes don’t care how you feel.

In short, you hedge both sides so you can brag at parties no matter what.

“Yes, I do put money into the stock market, but I’m also working hard to pay off my mortgage.”

That means you have $147 in Robinhood and $50 less to pay on your mortgage. Good job.

The Ending You Didn’t Want That Was Too Honest

Should you put your future on the line in the stock market or stay the person who brags about not having any debt? Honestly, no one cares. Starbucks’s decision to keep charging $7 for pumpkin spice lattes will undoubtedly affect your financial future.

If you made it this far, you did a good job. You are either significantly in debt, following lousy financial advice, or putting off something important like washing.

You now know that the “responsible choice” doesn’t care about your insane internet shopping habits at 3 a.m., no matter what you chose.

And let’s be honest: in 20 years, you’ll look back and say, “Wow, I really thought it was a good idea to pay an extra $200 on my mortgage.”

Your friend, on the other hand, who acquired Apple stock in a panic in 2023 is now living in a beach house.

But at least you can sleep well in your fully-paid brick mansion, right?

Good luck. Or don’t. In the US, feelings matter more than math.