You Have to Choose Between Vegas and State Farm in Life

Introduction

This is what you need to know: You’re either the kind of guy who buys insurance like it’s holy water or the smart person who spends three paychecks on sports betting apps because the Cowboys “might actually win this year.” (They won’t, by the way.)

The scary reality is? Insurance and gambling are pretty much the same thing: two completely legal ways to say, “Take my money; I probably won’t win anyway.”

What’s the difference? Insurance puts on a suit and calls itself “financial security,” but gambling shows up in a sequined jacket and shouts “YOLO.” And yes, one has fine print and the other has free watered-down margaritas, but both will make you cry when you look at your Venmo history.

Let’s look at it step by step, one stupid choice at a time.

Insurance: Paying Rent for Things That Might Never Happen

Insurance is the best way to show off. You’re essentially giving away your money in case something horrible occurs, like your car turning into a Transformer in the middle of the expressway or your landlord’s “historic” apartment building falling down in the middle of a Zoom call.

This is what insurance truly is:

• Pay hundreds or thousands of dollars every year.
• Get a 30-page PDF that is written in hieroglyphics.
• Hope the company doesn’t leave you hanging when things go wrong.

Oh, you thought health insurance would pay for real health? That’s really funny. You go to the ER once, receive a lollipop, and get a bill for $10,000 that says “miscellaneous.”

Car insurance, on the other hand, says, “Sorry, we can’t pay for your bumper because Mercury was in retrograde when you crashed.”

Insurance companies make money by betting against you. They’re the casino, and you, the sweaty guy with two chips left, are convincing yourself that this time “it’ll pay off.”

The Fast Food Version of Hope: Gambling

Gambling is the most popular reason for people to throw away money with a smile.

What about slot machines? iPads for boomers, for real.

Betting on sports? It’s like fantasy football, but your honor is at stake.

At least gambling doesn’t make you feel crazy. It looks you in the eyes and says, “You might lose, but here’s a free drink.”

And yes, it’s irresponsible, addictive, and a one-way ticket to crying at 3 a.m. in a casino bathroom, but at least it’s honest. Gambling doesn’t send you emails with the subject line “Your premium has been updated!” like insurance does. That means “Surprise, we took more of your money for no reason.”

Also, people who gamble get real stories out of their losses:

• “I lost $300 because I thought Tom Brady still had it.”
• “I lost $80 at a blackjack table where a grandma kept beating me.”
• “I lost $300 this month because I own a Honda Civic and am alive.”

The Unpleasant Truths That No One Wants to Admit

All right, here’s the tea. No matter if you’re gambling or “adulting responsibly” with insurance, you’re in the same boat: money is going out faster than your Wi-Fi during a Zoom interview.

You have to have faith in both. “Luck” is what you get when you gamble, while “coverage” is what you get when you buy insurance.

Both make the rich even richer (hello, billion-dollar insurers and Vegas hotels). Both might help you, but they probably won’t.

When you ask for your money back, both will gaslight you.

And like all bad choices in life, both are meant to get you hooked. Insurance companies give you “loyalty discounts,” which are just little amounts of money. The Chainsmokers play on repeat and there are flashing lights throughout casinos. Different vibes, but the same manipulation.

The Real Question: Which Scam Do You Want?

Do you want the craziness of Las Vegas or the phony professionalism of an insurance agent with a clipboard? In any instance, your wallet is the first thing to exit the conversation.

The truth is that most of us are doing both. We take a chance on not needing insurance while still getting insurance to feel better about taking risks with our lives. That’s how funny people are.

And let’s be honest: it all feels the same, whether you’re losing at blackjack or looking at your monthly bill. Costly. Sorry. But that was kind of unavoidable.

In conclusion, congratulations, you’re in trouble either way.

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! You’ve squandered just enough time to miss the hold music from the insurance company or DraftKings asking for another deposit.

Final Thoughts

In the end, insurance and gambling are like Coke and Pepsi: you’ll quarrel over which one is better, but both will ruin your soul (and your cash account).

What I would do? Don’t check your bank statements. Always. You will be grateful to yourself in the future, or you will sue yourself.

Good luck, champ, no matter what.

While let’s be honest: insurance wants you to stay alive long enough to keep paying, while gambling wants you to lose money quickly enough to keep hoping. Choose your poison.

Some people say that getting insurance is part of being a responsible adult. Some people think gambling is “fun.” But deep down, both are just capitalism’s way of telling you that you can’t win against the house.

So go ahead and keep sending in your monthly premium check or putting money into slot machines like they’re needy Tamagotchis.

No matter what, you’re only paying to stay alive in the game, not to win it.