Let’s Face It, Coffee Rules Us

So, here’s the inconvenient truth: coffee isn’t really a drink; it’s more of a personality. You either “sip” it like it’s air, or you’re one of those people who says, “I don’t drink coffee” in the same way that someone brags about getting up at 5 AM to meditate. Spoiler: No one likes you.

This site is for the rest of us, the coffee casualties who have come to terms with the fact that life is mostly a series of terrible choices made while drinking lattes and having emotional breakdowns that look like cold brew runs. We’d all be better off if coffee shops were therapy, but instead we’re choosing $7 oat milk lattes over rent.

Welcome to the coffee menu that no one asked for but that we all really need.

Espresso: The Shotgun Blast to Your Soul

Coffee is not espresso. Espresso is a short, strong apology for every bad decision that led you to look up “cheap therapists near me.”

A small cup. Two swallows. No chill.

There are three reasons why espresso exists:

• You only have seven minutes to live, but you still want caffeine.
• You despise yourself and need to show it.
• You want your coworkers to know you’re serious, but you’re really simply crying inside.

Did you know that Italians sip espresso as they breathe? In the meantime, Americans drink a double shot and then go on TikTok to doom-scroll about their lives, wondering why their hearts are racing like an iPhone in silent mode.

Would I tell someone to do it? Only if you can handle turmoil.

Cold Brew: Coffee That Heals

When coffee and bad financial choices have a kid, you get cold brew.

Oh, you wanted coffee with ice? Adorable. Cold brew heard that and replied, “How about we give you four times as much caffeine and make your soul vibrate like it owes the IRS?”

This is the drink for:

• People who work for themselves and haven’t showered in three days.
• People who work from home who think that Slack notifications are like PTSD triggers.
• That one friend who “doesn’t do lines” yet somehow has a barista loyalty punch card that is thicker than a CVS receipt.

Cold brew is like hiring a hype guy to help you deal with your anxieties. It doesn’t care about your health. It simply cares that you can get through another pointless Zoom meeting that might have been an email.

And indeed, it tastes like someone dared coffee to be outgoing.

Latte: The Coffee Filter for Instagram

The latte is the queen of coffee. Pretty, well-liked, and a little basic, but really? Needed. Instagram influencers would have nothing to grip in flat lay photographs without it.

You drink a latte when:

• You act like you don’t despise your job, but you do.
• You need a way to get your coffee with enough milk to hide your lactose intolerance.
• You want to proclaim, “I’m a grown-up,” but you don’t want to give up hot chocolate.

Lattes scream, “Everything is fine, Karen,” but inside, they’re like watching The Office on repeat at 3 AM since you peaked in 2017.

The art on top is cute, but let’s be serious: coffee foam latte art is like dating apps—fun to look at, but not so great in real life, and it goes away in two minutes.

But at least your $8 pumpkin spice latte will give you seasonal clout for 3 to 6 work days.

Coffee for People Who Don’t Like Joy: Americano

The Americano, oh. Also known as the drink your uncle orders to show how “hardcore” he is, even if he still uses AOL email.

This is just espresso with water added to it until it tastes like your goal after three unpaid internships.

It has a flavor like:

• Sorry.
• Carpet for the library.
• A LinkedIn Premium trial that has run out.

The ones who “SIP” Americanos are the same ones that say things like “I really like bitter flavors” while secretly looking up how to dissolve two packets of sugar in it.

If I wanted coffee that was too weak, I’d just microwave last night’s pot and call it a Tuesday.

Matcha Latte: Because Coffee Wasn’t Fancy Enough

You’re getting a matcha latte? You did it! Your personality is now officially “green powder.”

Coffee shops can charge $9 for ground leaves because they want you to feel like you’re at a yoga retreat and getting inner peace (but you’re not).

You don’t drink matcha because you like it. You don’t. You consume it because it looks better in pictures than your personality does on Instagram Stories.

It smells like dirt. It’s “wellness.” It’s also the most passive-aggressive flex in a group of caffeine addicts who are all drinking cold brews.

But go ahead and sip your little green zen milkshake as the rest of us spiral. Don’t act like it’s “an acquired taste.” That means “I’d rather die than say I hate this $9 swamp water.”

Conclusion: Congratulations, You’re Still Hooked

Congratulations on making it this far. You’ve spent the same amount of energy it would take to boil another pot of coffee you didn’t need but will “SIP” anyway.

Does coffee make your life better? No.
Does it help you feel better about your rent? No, that too.
But does it make you able to not strike your boss in the throat during a meeting on Monday? Yes, surprisingly.

This is the menu. Pick your mood, pick your drink, and keep acting like coffee is your thing. Because, to be honest? Yes, it is.