The Start, When We Pretend to Care About Money

Here we go again with the never-ending display of “young adults trying to manage their money.” You open TikTok and find a finance guy in a Patagonia vest telling you that by the time you’re 30, the stock market will make you rich.

“Just put it in a savings account, honey,” your grandma advises with a strange glance.

That’s great. Okay. So, what should we do? The stock market, where you may make four times as much money or have to sell your PS5 to pay your rent, or the savings account that grows slower than your iPhone updates from 2014?

Being an adult is incredibly taxing. Let’s ruin our day together.

Savings Accounts: The Snooze Button for Your Money

Yes, the savings account. The first one. The snooze pod for millennials that costs money. Safe, secure, insured, and sure to grow, like 12 cents a year.

Why people enjoy them:

• You can fast receive money for that “emergency,” which is also called bottomless brunch.
• Protected by the FDIC! Your $243 is safe!
• They feel like they have to do it. Like flossing or using a coaster every day.

Why they aren’t very good:

• Returns so small that participation awards seem big.
• Inflation eats your money like Pac-Man eats dots.
• You tell your friends about your new “high-yield” savings account, but the interest rate is so low that you can only buy a Starbucks latte once a year.

Savings accounts are like that friend who is always there for you but is boring. They don’t cheat or thrill, but they do pay their rent on time. Isn’t that hot?

The Stock Market: A Bad Relationship You Can’t Get Out Of

This is what we’re talking about: the market for stocks. That wild, all-or-nothing fling where one half of your brain is shrieking “retirement savings!” while the other half is refreshing Robinhood at work like it’s Candy Crush.

Why people take the risk:

• Returns that have value. Yes, it’s risky, but you have a long time to YOLO.
• Flexing without doing anything. Talking about your ETF portfolio on a Bumble date is a great way to prove you’re grown up.
• It makes you feel smart even when you don’t know what’s going on.

Why it will make your serotonin levels go down:

• One tweet from Elon Musk makes your portfolio crash harder than your Wi-Fi on Zoom Tuesday.
• You definitely bought at the top. Come on.
• When the market crashes, it’s like you’re in a Greek play.
• It’s exciting and scary, just like modern dating, and your friends will either applaud “good move” or try to stop you.

No matter what, financial experts will lie to you.

“Save every dollar like it’s your last” one day. “Pay off your debts by the time you’re 25!” Then, “Borrow money to invest!” The stock market is now your boyfriend!

They only want you to buy their workbook and pay for their podcast.

“Debt is bad,” says Dave Ramsey. Okay, Dave, but inflation and smoothies that cost $14 are both awful.

“100 times your savings with this stock hack!!!” claim the guys on TikTok. Chad, tell us how the Roblox stock did.

Your parents said, “We only had pensions.” That’s great. It must have been great to live in Narnia.

You can chose a savings account with 0.04% interest or the stock market, but you’ll still be broke enough to beg your roommate for Netflix money on Venmo.

What Regular People Do (But Won’t Say)

What do normal people do? They do both of those things. They put half of their paychecks into a “high-yield” savings account and the other half into a variety of random index funds they found on Google at 3 a.m.

They want the safety net and to be able to say, “Yes, I invest.”

They’re frightened that the market will crash, but they’re also scared that their “rich friend” will buy another house before them.

They all act like it’s a plan, but it’s really simply vibrations.

It’s the best half-hearted deal. You live somewhere in the middle, where it’s safe enough that you won’t be homeless but dangerous enough that you should snap a screenshot of your Robinhood account when you’re up $20.

The Harsh Truth You Didn’t Want to Hear

So, should you invest in the stock market or put your money in a savings account? It doesn’t matter. The savings account will make you feel like you’re 85 years old living in suburban Ohio, and the stock market will make you feel like you’re in Wolf of Wall Street, but with fewer boats and more panic attacks.

If you’ve gotten this far, you either don’t have any money, are claiming to be “serious” about money, or are using this site to put off looking for better jobs. Either way, congratulations! You now worry more about reading bad things from strangers on the internet than about your own money.

The truth is that no matter which one you pick, future you will still give you a side-eye.

“Put it in savings?” Thanks to my prior self, inflation ate me alive.
“Cool, I lost money because a billionaire bought Twitter.”

You can’t win, period.

But life isn’t about winning; it’s about searching for “cheapest ways to eat for $20 a week” and checking Zillow to look at properties you’ll never be able to afford.

Decisions about money? Too much praise. Do you regret it? Always.

So, save or invest, whatever. You still wind up stressed out on a Tuesday night with takeout fries, trying to make spreadsheets look seductive.